[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
then why did i get this email
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one