Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I love art.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*