Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
crying
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
How software testing works
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Cats don鈥檛 understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
We鈥檇 been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I鈥檓 thinking maybe I鈥檒l just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
date: i like a guy who鈥檚 strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If you鈥檙e planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don鈥檛.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang