You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…