I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Fiction has to make sense.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.