“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
How does one answer this?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
mom had nothing to worry about
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.