“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Cool shirt 🙂
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”