*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Sorry I made promises on Friday
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Support your local cemetery
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.