“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife