My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!