me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
You Might Also Like
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.