Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink