I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Breaking news:
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.