I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life