The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
You Might Also Like
*frowns in Scottish*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.