if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
May have had one breakfast too many
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious