Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders