Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.