Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’m aging like a fine banana
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral