I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You Might Also Like
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.