Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.