That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.