Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you