The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.