White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me