“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
This dude got his own movie?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those