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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.