I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Holy shit he’s back
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right