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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Seems legit
One of the best
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.