BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
bears
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Reporter: *ports again*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time