Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Raisins are grape jerky.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol