[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I love the honesty
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
When your man makes a valid point
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it