Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
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All is fair in drunk and war.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
absolutely not
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
something like this could probably happen to anyone
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?