Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.