People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys