Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You Might Also Like
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor