[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
yeet
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.