What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
British websites use biscuits.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question