sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
FINE, I WON’T.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?