You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
saving face 👀
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.