I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’d … I’d rather not.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.