I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
You Might Also Like
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
THIS HEADLINE
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit