Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows