Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You Might Also Like
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.