waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?