I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
went fishing caught a bass
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.