Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time