Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
very niche meme I made
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
New Tinder profile.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.