People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
You Might Also Like
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.