(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???